Alyson, through the years. Happy 26th Birthday, idiot.

A recent postcard from Alyson to my parents.

My sister recent google search history.

Relatedly, these were the things I found in the “junk drawer” of Alyson’s apartment. 1 bag of rocks, 1 bag of other rocks with dime, 1 bag of shells, mini-screwdriver, mini-wrench, mammoth padlock.

I just looked for a colander in every one of the cabinets in my sister’s apartment. This is what I found in the last cabinet I checked. They all looked at me collectively, burst out laughing and said “You think this bitch has a colander?!? Hahahaha. Fool.”

Recently found in my email inbox, with the subject:

MISSING: ALYSON MARIE RUSSO // PLEASE CALL 1-800-911

Alyson’s Saturday night, in sum.

1. kill arnold schwarzenegger

2. win nobel peace prize

3. turn my hands into ice cream cones at least once

4. give obama a boner

5. eat more candy

6. say the word ‘fuck’ more often

7. discover a new planet

8. become mexican

9. become an indian chief

10. become an eskimo

11. become asian

12. get some swag

13. die

14. train a dolphin to butt fuck a whale

Christmas 2011: this is what Alyson did to my mother’s nativity set.