Alyson’s New Year’s Resolutions

1. kill arnold schwarzenegger

2. win nobel peace prize

3. turn my hands into ice cream cones at least once

4. give obama a boner

5. eat more candy

6. say the word ‘fuck’ more often

7. discover a new planet

8. become mexican

9. become an indian chief

10. become an eskimo

11. become asian

12. get some swag

13. die

14. train a dolphin to butt fuck a whale